NOT JUST FAN MAIL: SMG

Dear Sarah Michelle Gellar,

Hunting down your contact info was no easy task!  But a combination of patience and perseverance led me to a minor breakdown followed by sharp, staccato moments of clarity that eventually landed me with a membership on imdbPRO.  So far I’m kind of enjoying it: The alternative layout, the daily industry news, and the overall VIP-ness.  I have a VIP membership at Century 21 and it allows me to checkout in an exclusive line that has a red carpet.  These feel paralleled in a lot of ways.  Maybe because you, my friend (are we at that point?  can we be?), are the definition of things that should be on a red carpet.  I’m living for the day when some paparazzi nobody (hate them!) steps on the train of your dress at The Oscars (you’re nominated), I happen to be nearby, I toss him out of sight, we lock eyes, you nod in approval, and ask if I want to adapt Buffy into a stage musical.  Sarah, I would be honored.

But for now, I’m eating my morning cereal as I write this to you.  It’s kashi and it’s got lots of whole grains and fiber and even some mixed berries, but all I can think about is what kind of cereal you eat.  And do you ever snack on it?  Sometimes I do before bed.  With a body as miraculous as yours, it’s hard to imagine you eating at all.  Yet your athleticism must require some kind of fueling.  I bet you love almonds!  I do, too.  Sometimes I dip them in egg whites and then sprinkle cinnamon sugar on top and bake them in the oven at 250 for one hour.  Would Sarah Michelle Gellar like to try my almonds?  I’ll wrap them all fancy and even include some for the fam.

Speaking of my favorite celebritoddler, how is Charlie?  I see pictures of the two of you shopping all of the time and obsess over the way you hold her: So womanly.  I can tell you’re the mother that all the other mother’s hate (but in a good way!).  Young mom’s can be so competitive, don’t you think?  I love to imagine you and Alyson Hannigan pushing your daughters as they swing at some posh California park (the park should have a name and it should be The Green Grove).  Are you and Alyson friends?  There were rumblings at one time or another (and pardon me if even referencing this is uncouth) about the two of you not getting along.  Not like I believed such nonsense, but I think a picture of the two of you with your little ones at the Green Grove could shush a naysayer.

But you probably have more important things to care about, like your best friend Shannen Doherty’s upcoming wedding.  Your gift is going to make all the other ladies so jealous!  Dish: What’s it like being friends with Heather Duke?  Note: For a large period of my life, Heathers was my favorite movie in solidarity to it being yours, until I grew to an age where the use of “Que Sera, Sera” during the opening credits finally felt ironic.  By then, it had actually become my favorite movie and I felt it safe to call us kindred spirits.  Before that point, you were just two cardboard cutouts at my Hollywood-In-Pittsburgh-themed Bar Mitzvah Party.  I couldn’t believe how high you towered above me, until I asked my dad to bring home some measuring tape only to discover that the six-foot cutout was not true to your petite, five-foot-two frame.  You are beautiful at either height.

Having two of you at my Bar Mitzvah was a real precursor to your double-duty role on Ringer.  No, David Letterman, it’s not The Ringer.  Does that frustrate you as much as it frustrates me?  When I first heard you were developing a pilot for CBS, I felt conflicted.  Highest rated network yes, but this is also the network that brought us Ghost Whisperer (which might still be on for all I and Jennifer Love Hewitt know).  When CBS passed the show off to The CW, I started guzzling cans of Coke Zero.  Even though CBS smells like a Kinko’s employee, it does offer us exposure.  The CW on the other hand… Well, look, let’s not kick a sad pony while it’s down.  Though trepidacious, I was excited by the prospect of you wearing boots on network television once again.  You look great in boots, and even greater in long coats.  If I costumed you, think thigh-high boots and lush trench coats.  I think we’d have fun choosing outfits (collaboratively, of course) and we’d also learn of a shared love for lemon ginger tea, which you’d bring into the trailer the next day for us to share!  Sarah, you’re sweet!  You really need to try these cinnamon sugar baked almonds.

Am I living for Ringer?  Sarah, remind me your favorite color.  Mine’s yellow: Banana yellow, mustard yellow, even school bus yellow.  And you know what color would be great on you, Sarah?  Broadway.  Sarah Michelle Gellar is Madea (strictly limited six week engagement, extended twice before a much hailed London run).  Chills!  The production is filmed for Live From Lincoln Center prior to passing Phantom of the Opera as the longest running Broadway show in history.  I’m just saying!

They’re telling me to wrap it up, so I’ll end by canceling my subscription to imdbPRO: What’s the point now that I got what I really needed?

Undyingly,

Evan Ross Katz

LETTERS FAMOUS PEOPLE NEVER WROTE ME #1

#1: MARLO THOMAS

Dear Jeffery,

I am so sorry for my embarrassing delay in writing to you after the marvelous dinner you hosted last month. But wow, what a time we had.  Phil hasn’t stopped raving about those clams you made.  I know I said this then, but I really do mean it- I WANT THE RECIPE! (Half so that Phil will shut up about it and get off my freaking back for once.  Haha)

But seriously Jeffery… I knew dinner would be lovely but I had no idea that you were SUCH an exceptional host.  I suppose it won’t surprise you to hear I’ve dined at some of the finest restaurants in the world.  Had meals prepared by some of the most renowned chefs.  Been to some of the most flat out fabulous parties you could ever imagine (I’ve literally dined with kings and partied with rockstars- and on one occasion, at the same party- *Pat Boone’s going away party and it wasn’t a King but Prince Charles. It still counts).

All that said… you threw one of the most delightful dinner parties I’ve ever been to.

Also! I can’t wait to see your new house upstate. I  don’t think I can even imagine what a six-story log cabin in upstate New York would look like!  I do hope your invitation wasn’t just late-night wine-buzzed chatter.  If room is an issue (why would it be with six stories, but you never know) let me know and I can come without Phil. In fact, it might be nice to come alone regardless. We’ve been spending a little too much time together lately if you ask me.  DISTANCE FROM YOUR HUSBAND CAN BE YOUR BEST FRIEND SOMETIMES!  Don’t forget that, JEFFERY!!!!!!!!!

I suppose I should apologize for some of Phil’s behavior late in the evening.  Sometimes I feel like Phil made a decision when he left daytime television to become the most socially awkward and maladjusted individual on earth. Despite the impression he may have given you or Hank or the rest of the guests (poor Mary Steenburgen- I really hope she got that wine out of her blouse), he had a really nice time.  In fact, according to Phil… It was one of the most delightful evenings he’s had since the old days when we were still speaking to the Newharts and going over for Bob’s World Famous Shish Kebab Fridays in Ojah.  As I was screaming at Phil in the car on the way home he told me he’d had the time of his life.  I told him he certainly had a not so funny way of showing it and that he made a jackass of himself and our family altogether.

It’s been pretty chilly around the Thomas/Donahue ranch these past few weeks but as I told Phil… I’ll be ready to take back all the things I said when he’s ready to stop acting like an overgrown infant with a pile of shit in his diaper. ;-)

If you want to email me that clam recipe, I’d be delighted or if you want to send it the old fashioned way just send to our house in Connecticut.  That’s where I’m staying right now while Phil and I work everything out. I never thought I’d say this but GOD BLESS CONNECTICUT! HAHA!

Again, Jeffery… Honestly… A marvelous evening through and through. Send my love to Patrick. And I hope we do it again soon.

With love.

Marlo Thomas.

WURK DIVA: To Ellie Sattl-I mean, Laura Dern

I realize it might be rude to address you more as a role than the splendid, gorgeous, can’t-help-but-love-her-because-i-know-she’s-so-nice-in-person type of actress that you are, so I apologize in advance for the many times I refer to you as Ellie Sattler in this humble letter. You probably get it a lot, so I’ll guess its become somewhat routine. Don’t get me wrong – I loved you as Sandy, and Randy, and Ruby and Gertrude; however, I come at this subject as a twenty-something gay man who grew up a tomboy in the early nineties, and instead of favoring Superman or The Red Power Ranger, I found myself only caring about the token female in what any gay, American seven-year-old would end up watching.

Movies like Batman (Yeah yeah – Michelle Pfeiffer, but must we always forget Uma?) or Power Rangers (R.I.P. Trini…) and of course, what everyone from my generation loves to talk about when hearing your name…(welcome…to)

JURASSIC PARK!

Dr. Ellie Sattler. 24 years old. Spunky. Smart. A Paleobotanist! (“A Paleo-WHAT?” as I said at seven) In the books you were still a student, just rough enough around the edges to survive an island full of killer lizards. In the movie – you were the star, you were dating the lead man and you wanted kids and maybe Alan didn’t. You stayed behind to help a sick Triceratops (and in the book, a sick Stego). You got Jurassic Park back in business, all while hauling ass with a limp, a phone stuck to your ankle, and f*cking dinosaurs merely feet behind you! (between you and me, I’ve wanted so badly to dress as you in that scene for Halloween – sweating, moaning, dragging a phone chord and all! RUN!)

No, I wouldn’t mind at all if Jurassic Park 4 only starred you and Julianne Moore (I won’t make this letter about Sarah Harding, I won’t make this letter about Sarah Harding…) and yeah, why not throw Tea Leoni in there too? Why you three girls would ever return to the island – who cares! I’d just love to see you all fight the dinos. It’d be like mixing Sex and the City with Jurassic Park – hold New York and the fashion, NOT the sex talk.

So you see, I call you Ellie Sattler because of my deep admiration for you as an actress, and your ability (as any great actress should have) to BECOME their roles. For me and many others, you will always shine as one of my favorite women in the action/adventure genre – up there with Ellen Ripley, Buffy Summers, and Lara Croft. Your legs are meant to wear hiking boots.

Thank you for being great at what you do! Oh – and congratulations on your recent Golden Globe Award!

Just one of your many fans,

Matthew Motobuchi

WELCOME TO SELFOBSESSED!

What the hell is selfobsessed?

That’s a very good question and A LOT of attitude for this early in the morning. selfobsessed is a blog, it’s a web series, and it’s a celebration of all the things I am obsessed with. My obsessions run the gamut from Shelley Long to this pair of boots I got on sale at Urban Outfitters (they’re so cute, you guys).

This site will serve as a daily celebration, discussion, and veritable circle jerk of my favorite pop culture obsessions. Along with posts from my friends and favorite bloggers, expect fun pieces from the likes of web-lebrities: Cole Escola, Drew Droege, Tyler Oakley, and Guy Branum. Just to name a few. And one Jew.

If you think you’ve discovered something I’d be obsessed with, send it to me at: Jeffery@selfobsessedshow.com

In a world where people like to use the internet to trash Katy Perry and crucify Kim Kardashian, I think we could all use a break to simply celebrate and obsess over some of the world’s most wonderful people, things, and trends.

So let’s obsess together.

Come along.

-Jeffery Self

PS- You look GREAT today.