NOT JUST FAN MAIL: SMG

Dear Sarah Michelle Gellar,

Hunting down your contact info was no easy task!  But a combination of patience and perseverance led me to a minor breakdown followed by sharp, staccato moments of clarity that eventually landed me with a membership on imdbPRO.  So far I’m kind of enjoying it: The alternative layout, the daily industry news, and the overall VIP-ness.  I have a VIP membership at Century 21 and it allows me to checkout in an exclusive line that has a red carpet.  These feel paralleled in a lot of ways.  Maybe because you, my friend (are we at that point?  can we be?), are the definition of things that should be on a red carpet.  I’m living for the day when some paparazzi nobody (hate them!) steps on the train of your dress at The Oscars (you’re nominated), I happen to be nearby, I toss him out of sight, we lock eyes, you nod in approval, and ask if I want to adapt Buffy into a stage musical.  Sarah, I would be honored.

But for now, I’m eating my morning cereal as I write this to you.  It’s kashi and it’s got lots of whole grains and fiber and even some mixed berries, but all I can think about is what kind of cereal you eat.  And do you ever snack on it?  Sometimes I do before bed.  With a body as miraculous as yours, it’s hard to imagine you eating at all.  Yet your athleticism must require some kind of fueling.  I bet you love almonds!  I do, too.  Sometimes I dip them in egg whites and then sprinkle cinnamon sugar on top and bake them in the oven at 250 for one hour.  Would Sarah Michelle Gellar like to try my almonds?  I’ll wrap them all fancy and even include some for the fam.

Speaking of my favorite celebritoddler, how is Charlie?  I see pictures of the two of you shopping all of the time and obsess over the way you hold her: So womanly.  I can tell you’re the mother that all the other mother’s hate (but in a good way!).  Young mom’s can be so competitive, don’t you think?  I love to imagine you and Alyson Hannigan pushing your daughters as they swing at some posh California park (the park should have a name and it should be The Green Grove).  Are you and Alyson friends?  There were rumblings at one time or another (and pardon me if even referencing this is uncouth) about the two of you not getting along.  Not like I believed such nonsense, but I think a picture of the two of you with your little ones at the Green Grove could shush a naysayer.

But you probably have more important things to care about, like your best friend Shannen Doherty’s upcoming wedding.  Your gift is going to make all the other ladies so jealous!  Dish: What’s it like being friends with Heather Duke?  Note: For a large period of my life, Heathers was my favorite movie in solidarity to it being yours, until I grew to an age where the use of “Que Sera, Sera” during the opening credits finally felt ironic.  By then, it had actually become my favorite movie and I felt it safe to call us kindred spirits.  Before that point, you were just two cardboard cutouts at my Hollywood-In-Pittsburgh-themed Bar Mitzvah Party.  I couldn’t believe how high you towered above me, until I asked my dad to bring home some measuring tape only to discover that the six-foot cutout was not true to your petite, five-foot-two frame.  You are beautiful at either height.

Having two of you at my Bar Mitzvah was a real precursor to your double-duty role on Ringer.  No, David Letterman, it’s not The Ringer.  Does that frustrate you as much as it frustrates me?  When I first heard you were developing a pilot for CBS, I felt conflicted.  Highest rated network yes, but this is also the network that brought us Ghost Whisperer (which might still be on for all I and Jennifer Love Hewitt know).  When CBS passed the show off to The CW, I started guzzling cans of Coke Zero.  Even though CBS smells like a Kinko’s employee, it does offer us exposure.  The CW on the other hand… Well, look, let’s not kick a sad pony while it’s down.  Though trepidacious, I was excited by the prospect of you wearing boots on network television once again.  You look great in boots, and even greater in long coats.  If I costumed you, think thigh-high boots and lush trench coats.  I think we’d have fun choosing outfits (collaboratively, of course) and we’d also learn of a shared love for lemon ginger tea, which you’d bring into the trailer the next day for us to share!  Sarah, you’re sweet!  You really need to try these cinnamon sugar baked almonds.

Am I living for Ringer?  Sarah, remind me your favorite color.  Mine’s yellow: Banana yellow, mustard yellow, even school bus yellow.  And you know what color would be great on you, Sarah?  Broadway.  Sarah Michelle Gellar is Madea (strictly limited six week engagement, extended twice before a much hailed London run).  Chills!  The production is filmed for Live From Lincoln Center prior to passing Phantom of the Opera as the longest running Broadway show in history.  I’m just saying!

They’re telling me to wrap it up, so I’ll end by canceling my subscription to imdbPRO: What’s the point now that I got what I really needed?

Undyingly,

Evan Ross Katz